Peace is a grasshopper

16 years ago I was asked to give a talk on the subject of peace and the family. I don't remember much of the details now, in fact none. What I do remember is the weekend prior to this that my husband and I took our family down to Seaside Oregon for a late fall visit to the beach. I was pregnant with our daughter Katy and she was soon to arrive, Brian had just opened his Law Practice doors, and I was also leaving my job where I had spent my days the last twelve years to begin my work as a full time mom. I needed the beach. I had been asked to speak on a topic that I wasn't really "feeling". Everything about my life at the time was in transition and uncomfortable. I was great at my job, in fact they would have to hire two people to replace me. I was comfortable there, I was the expert. At home full time with four children...what was I thinking??

Strange that I remember the day we drove South so vividly. I remember the sprinkling of rain on the windshield and the gray clouds in front of us on the highway. As I was watching them the wind blew open a gap through which I could see that behind the clouds there was a bright blue sky, and although I could not see the sun, there was a distinct golden ribbon of light along the edge of the opening. I wondered if that was what people meant by a "silver lining" in the clouds, and I felt my hope renewed that the weather might cooperate with us. That maybe this was the right road to be traveling. It was a quiet drive, the kids slept most of the way down, I spent most of the time pondering my talk on peace and wondering why it was so elusive in my own life. Peace had been sitting next to me in the car but I hadn't even really acknowledged it's presence I was so caught up in all my thinking.

We stopped at a rest area/boat launch when the kids woke up. My husband walked the three kids down to check out the boats coming in and out of the Columbia River. In the distance I could see that they were all running around chasing something in the grass. Then I could tell that my son, the oldest, definitely had something he was running up the hill to show me. Please don't let it be a snake. As he got closer I could not see anything at all in his hands, but the girls were so excited running next to him. I knew there was definitely some great prize he carried.

When they reached me at the top of the hill, a good three hundred yards from where they started, perched on the back of Taylor's hand was a single grasshopper. There he was in all his glory, light brown, spindly legs, beady eyes looking right at me. They were all out of breath and talking at the same time about how they had been trying to catch them... and then this one simply jumped onto Taylor's hand. The truly amazing part though was that it remained perched there for the entire bumpy journey up the hill from the boat launch. None of them could believe it. Brian and I couldn't either. Time to set him free and finish our drive.

I thought about this grasshopper for at least a year after that day. I considered how peace was like that grasshopper - very difficult to catch, not likely to live long in a cage, and most joyfully experienced hopping freely about an open field. Why did it seem to rest with some so easily, just as that little hopper did with my son? Why with even the best effort did it remain just out of the reach of those who wanted to "catch it", and hold on to it? I didn't have any of the answers, but I did a lot of research on the subject. I even told an old man once - he was a writer - that I had a great title for a book, "Peace is a Grasshopper". He laughed and told me that all good writers have many great titles for books - its the content that they're missing. He was right of course.

That was the beginning of my personal pursuit of Peace. Pursuing anything is a lot work. And thus the idea is that anything worth pursuing should be worth the effort extended. I took a minute to look up the definition of Pursuing (better make sure of my word choice now that it is out there for the world to see...) This is what I came up with:

1. To follow in an effort to overtake or capture; chase:


2. To strive to gain or accomplish:  


3. To proceed along the course of; follow:


4. To carry further; advance:


5. To be engaged in


6. To court:

Yep. That's the right word. Now that I have that settled in my mind, it is time to consider if it is worth the effort. I mean that in all sincerity. Is it worth the effort? To go into this "pursuit" you must ask yourself this question. The mistake that is often made is to think that it is easy. Two years ago I was snuggling with my 17 year old daughter. She had just recently given birth to a beautiful little girl of her own. Her new baby was sleeping next to us. She asked me, "When we were little and you would hold us, did you ever look at us and think...this one is going to grow up and total the family car... this ones going to grow up and yell at me she hates me and I'm ruining her life...and this one is going to grow up and get pregnant in high school...?" I laughed out loud. In that moment I loved her more than ever. Nope. That's not what you think. Life is not easy...but definitely worth the effort when Peace is present. Each of those experiences, and many more than I can count in addition, have been journeys of discovery as I have pursued Peace along the way.

Peace is more like a river you walk along side of than a glass of water you drink and are done with. I will be honest with you, most people around you don't think it's worth the effort at all. If you can't catch it and keep it in a cage for future use as needed - why work at the pursuit? True...simple conversations about Peace will not deliver it to your doorstep. But Peace knows your voice...recognizes who you are when calling it's name...and it always hops over for a look see. Easy to walk by that little grasshopper - if your not looking for it in the tall grass.

C'mon and squeeze in here...

Wednesday I spoke with a really good friend and family member. We were up at our cabin and my daughter noticed a pickup being loaded up with bags of belongings two cabins down.  There was a for sale sign out front, and we knew it had been sold recently.  Was it really her moving out?  Or was it the new owner moving in?  We walked down to see.  It was her.  Strange...we hadn't really spoken more than two or three times this past year.  I knew she was in the process of moving on...moving forward.  She had actually been doing it all along, this  just made it much more evident.  Selling the cabin..."his cabin".  She and the kids hadn't been there much in the past year.  She also was in the process of moving out of "their house" into "her condo".  All big steps.  Huge steps really.  Steps that she alone would have to take, no one could take them for her.

It has been about five years since I squeezed between she and her husband in their bed and shared a great Taco Bell lunch.  He was soon to die from Pancreatic Cancer.  We all knew it.  That day we didn't think about it.  We laughed, ate Taco Bell (very liberating to have it be just fine to eat Taco Bell in bed - with friends), discussed the "little people" the new pain medication had added to his list of occasional visitors, and nothing else...just a visit.  It is one of my best memories of his last months.  It is the day I came to admire his wife in a way I do few others.  

Everyone handles the challenges life throws at you differently.  Especially the big ones.  And, have you ever noticed everyone else seems to know exactly how best for you to handle yours? She certainly had no shortage of suggestions.  I must admit I was one at times who wanted to hurry her journey. Well, I'm absolutely certain that five years ago, I best rephrase that, I think I'm absolutely certain, that I would not have handled the last months of my husbands life as she did.  I would have been up cleaning the newspaper off of the chair next to the bed making a proper "visiting space" for those who entered the room.  I would not have said "the rooms a disaster...c'mon and squeeze in here!"  and as a result, the visit would have been much less fun, much less liberating, simply put...much less.  Less of everything truly important.

 But that was then...I am fairly certain, as I was taught by her example in the face of the most dire challenge, that now, perhaps I would be able to focus on what's most important... the visit.   I try in all areas of life now to say "c'mon and squeeze in here!"  I must admit I'm still not great at it some days. (Wish I didn't have to type that but my kids read these.)  One thing is for sure...the "rooms" of my life are often a mess, a disaster even -  depending upon the day.  Just thinking about that makes me laugh.  In fact, those of you that know me must be laughing too and hopefully saying to yourself, "well, at least she honest." 

You can have peace in your life even in the midst of a disaster.  The kind of peace that enables you to say "c'mon and squeeze in here!"  There is no need to clean off a visiting space on the chair.  Peace much prefers to squeeze in right next to you and share some Taco Bell!  Isn't that what we are looking for...the kind of peace that doesn't require a clean room?!  I have even noticed that during those times when I am most desperate for a visit...I have cleaned off "the chair" and I am sitting across from it, staring at it, arms crossed, tapping my foot impatiently...eventually (sometimes days later) I look up from the chair and there at the door is the visitor I've been waiting for.  Patiently waiting for me to say "the rooms a disaster...c'mon squeeze in here!", and like the good friend that Peace truly is - we share what is most important...the visit.

Destination Unknown...

Update on Friday, September 30, 2011 at 3:49PM by Brenda

It is absolutely time to put something on the page.  However, I must admit that I have found some measure of comfort each time I would log on  to work on the "construction" and I would see this photo.  It was my first successful attempt at putting something...anything...on the site.  Truly I have no idea where this work will lead. I have lots of "vision" as to what this may someday look like, but it is the "what it looks like today" phase that I'm struggling with.  

I recall having that same exact problem when I was in my mid-twenties.  I could totally see myself in my thirties, a few small kids playing at the park, my husband, an attorney, spending his days in Court, the picture was quite detailed.  However, I could not "see" myself where I was currently at and how exactly I was going to get to where I knew I would end up.  Turns out that it was really a good thing there was a big hill obscuring my vision of the landscape ahead, for had I known just how difficult it would be to work full time, have my first three children (two during the first two years of law school), manage a household, marriage, friendships, and career...I may have never began the journey down the very road that would take me to where I needed to be.  

It would have seemed too long, too hard, too tedious.  I would not have had the faith in myself necessary to accomplish the journey that lie ahead.  The reality is, that journey is still on going.  I know now, at nearly 50, that my twenties and thirties were just the beginning. I also know that many of the best days are had during the navigation of unknown roads. So it is with this site.  I can see what things will look like eventually.  I am one hundred percent certain that it will be way more work than I ever imagined.  And, as is often the case for me, I still can't see how I'm supposed to get from here to there.  One thing is for sure...I can't get anywhere standing still.  I have to move forward.  It is the beginning of yet another piece of my journey.  I hope that many of my friends, old and new, will come along and discover joy and pursue peace in the everyday of life.  

The only other working peice of this site right now, beside the Blog piece you will soon see under Journal, is the Got 3? section.  Check it out.  That part was easy.  Though filling it in each day isn't always.  I still don't know how to show the comments, so for now you will have to click on the post to see them. (Only two comments to date...so demand isn't too high right now)  It doesn't matter.  Moving forward, through things, through life...that's what matters.  

Ok...that being said...I would challenge anyone who reads this to move.  Move forward.  Move towards the vision you have seen.  I know that we all have those moments when we see ourselves someplace different than where we currently are.  It may be only a glimpse, almost like a brush of wind passing by, just strong enough to take notice of, but it was there.  You know it... you felt it, you saw it...maybe you even looked around to see if anyone else felt it...saw you "there".  The temptation is to dismiss it, diminish it to less than what it really was, to stay where you are because the hill ahead obscures the road, and you have no idea where it might take you. It begins with one small step, and then tomorrow you can take another.  Hey...we will take them together.